No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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