How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
