If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
