Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
