his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
