I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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