i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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