I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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