this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
