i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
