guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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