News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
