After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
