I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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