the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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