last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
