From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
