I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
