This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
