What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
