He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
