my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
