theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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