Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
