Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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