I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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