if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
