non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
