Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
