I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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