I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
