Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
