Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
