I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
