I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
