In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
