something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
