my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
