I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
