Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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