Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My vagina is officially offended.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
