Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
