at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
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