that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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