my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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