i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
