im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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