Porn is love you can see.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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