I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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