So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
