I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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