this beer tastes like vomit already
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
it's like iHOP with fire
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
