I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
