The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
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lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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