he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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