I heard we made out
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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