She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
