my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
