Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
