What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
